I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
