I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
