Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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