I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
