It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
