My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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