i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The adults are the big ones right?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
