I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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