He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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