just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
