You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
