he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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