I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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