just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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