I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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