Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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