can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
