WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
