oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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