I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
