One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
