if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
