Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
