I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
