Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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