Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
