dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
