Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Enjoy the penises
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
