my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize