Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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