I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
