4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
