You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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