The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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