cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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