Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
