Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
