Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
