I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
