Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
