I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
