her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
