I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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