No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize