ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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