peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
