the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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