Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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