He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
