My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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