Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
