OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
