I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
