I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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