A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
