hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
