I just pynch a tree in the face
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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