Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
