the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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