did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
