he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
