I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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