I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize