We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize