The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
